“Better”

Found this in my drafts tonight….written on May 30th.  Very grateful to say that I have made progress since I wrote this post, but it’s part of my story so I feel it’s important to share

 

…It’s been just over 6 months since my concussion, 2 months since my surgery. I went back to work full time about 6 weeks ago. Sure, I’m better. Better than I was. Better than I could be. I look ok, so I feel like everyone thinks I’m ok, all better. So that’s what I’ve tried to be. I know I’m lucky things weren’t worse and as I’ve moved forward, that’s where I’m looking. Trying to focus on leveraging what’s good and not give attention to what’s not.

How’s that working for me? Honestly not great. I was talking through my journey with someone recently, (which is a struggle in itself as my train of thought goes off the rails pretty easily) and they looked at me and said “I see you’re pushing through, but you do realize you’re not better, right?” As I broke down in a flood of tears, I felt like this moment was such a reality check. Of course I knew I’m not “better,” but I’m weary from this battle, and just managing day to day. Surviving, definitely not thriving.

Earbuds to block the white noise at the office, blue light blocking glasses to help a bit with the computer screen and fluorescent lights, nighttime filters on my phone and computer …lots of words I struggle to find, memory issues, headaches, crazy fatigue, and the snap. (Jackie from the TBI Resource Center named it…it’s when we get frustrated or overwhelmed and just snap, usually with tears or yelling.) Let’s just say my teenager tolerance is very low.

Neurologists prescribe anti-depressants as they really have nothing more to offer. Finding treatment is quite the research project, as conventional medicine says there is no treatment for Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS)…you truly have to take control. As with my overall health management, alternative therapies are what’s provides relief, and my faith and intuition are what’s guiding me. I know I’m worse than I was before going back to work, so I’m determined to turn that around. Plans for new treatment is in place, as I’ve found some specialized practitioners, and I’m optimistic this will make an impact.

I will trust in my choices.

I will listen to my body.

I will be better.

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